Ed's Blog

My Mom and Dad: Now and Then ... The Upcoming Family Reunion

Well, from the previous post on June 13th, you can tell that the big story nowadays is that Dad has Alzheimer's. I could see it coming for a long time actually, the forgetfulness, and not so much the small slip-ups because we all do them, the little oops here and there, but really the fact that Mom would do more of the talking for Dad. Now, my Mom is very energetic and talkative, and Dad is more laid-back, but, it became a little more and more exagerated as time went on.

I recall specifically being in a Tully's restaurant in Syracuse (at least I think it was Tully's, .... oh, oh) with Mom, Dad, and Mary, and I asked Dad a question. Mom immediately started answering for him, "Your father, ...." and I shot back, "Mom! I was asking Dad, let Dad have a chance to talk and answer for himself!" I was a little frustrated because I felt that our visits were becoming more dominated by Mom's thoughts and that Dad was not participating enough. I thought Mom was too much, and Dad was getting too lazy. I thought that after being married for 50 years they both had adapted to each other and that this was .... well, behavioral. Just let Dad talk.

Well, this was maybe a year before he was diagnosed. This wasn't what Mary and I thought it was. They were simply the same loving couple and they had learned to adapt to life's newest problem.

Fast forward to the present: Mom is the primary care-giver for Dad. Living with an Alzheimer's person is a lot of work. I know a little because I've had to spend time alone with Dad. It's like you're running around trying to think for two people. At the same time, the Alzheimer's person is simultaneously an adult and a child. They're an adult because they're still partly themselves with the same outlook and interests, etc. But, they have to be watched constantly because you don't know what they might do.

Since Mom is naturally a little "hyperactive" and suffers from anxiety, caring for Dad can be a little stressful. I try to call Mom once or twice a week now, for years it was once a week, but now she needs more support and just an understanding ear.

As you can tell from the June 13th posting, Dad has been the one with the medical problems. It was always Mom, the big care-giver, the big heart, the soothing one, who watches out for everyone else. Mom is the strong one. She watches out for everyone. She's tough.

Well, the big surprise, actually not that big if you look at the details, but, ... the big, big suprise came one Friday night in September 2004 ... I came back from a fish fry at the golf club, and I saw the answering machine light blinking .....

..... it was a nurse from University Hospital in Syracuse. Mom was in intensive care. It was, ironically because in a figurative sense, it is her most prominent feature, ... it was ........ her heart.

Really Mom's doctor had warned her before, but, Mom was always worrying about you ... about Dad, about someone else. She didn't want to schedule a surgery for a pacemaker for herself. So, .... what happened was, her heart lost all of its Rhythm, the complex neuro-pathways from nervous system to heart, to tell it to beat in a perfect Rhythm ...

Well, without the Rhythm working right, people would pass away, and Mom almost did. In fact at the hospital she "flat-lined" or lost all heart beat. Mom had waited to the last possible second. Fortunately, they installed an emergency pacemaker, kept her alive, and scheduled her for surgery.

After I got the message, I left the next morning, September 11, 2004, and headed to Syracuse. Fortunately again, our neighbor Mary Story (whose husband had died of Alzheimer's), took care of Dad the night before.

I spent the next several days in Syracuse with Dad. Going up to the hospital everday, all day. I would have stayed and stayed, but, as life is complicated, I had responsibilities back in Buffalo. My classes, my students were without a teacher. In fact, at the time, I really didn't know what was going to happen. What would happen to Mom? Was she going to be ok? Would she make a recovery? (She's 82 years old at this point). How long would she be in the hospital? Who would take care of Dad? What was I going to do? There's no one else .... my sister lives in Colorado. What was I going to do?

Diane, God bless her, said - "Give Aunt Martha a call." Wow. I hadn't talked with Aunt Martha in years.

I called Aunt Martha. That's where this started ...

Aunt Martha was great. We hadn't talked in years .... although Mom talks with her and keeps in touch, I had lost touch with her and my cousins. But, Aunt Martha said - "Sure. I'll come over and stay with your Dad, and help your Mom as she recovers." Wow. It was great seeing Aunt Martha! She's so nice, and has a great, easy-going personality.

I picked up Mom from the hospital, she recovered fairly quickly, all things considered. Aunt Martha came over, I was able to go back to my job, and Mom, Dad, and Aunt Martha looked over each other.

Not only did things work out, but, as my Aunt Martha put it - "Maybe things happened for a reason." After getting back in touch with Aunt Martha, .... we now have a family reunion this weekend ... I will be seeing my cousin Dan (the artist, etc.), my cousin Bill (my buddy from childhood), and Devon - my cousin Marty's son. By all accounts Devon is a great guy, a real gentleman, and .... he's an environmentalist too! There will be others too, my cousin Dan's daughter or daughters (Brooke and Kelly, may be there), and everyone's significant others. My wife Mary is excited ... as you can tell I am. And of course, Mom and Dad and my Aunt Martha.

I can't wait!!!

posted by Unknown @ 7:28 AM